The conscious act of surrender
by hiddendaisy1821
Summary: They have both been nothing more than servants of fate, destinies, prophecies… Kilgharrah, Morgause, Arthur…list went on and on, and look where it has lead them. What if Merlin trusted more to his instincts and his heart, could he stop the tragedies that occurred, or even just the one?


**Disclaimer**: Merlin is the property of BBC, and the quote at the beginning is by . I own nothing but the idea.

**Summary: **They have both been nothing more than servants of fate, destinies, prophecies… Kilgharrah, Morgause, Arthur…list went on and on, and look where it has lead them. What if Merlin trusted more to his instincts and his heart, could he stop the tragedies that occurred, or even just the one?

**AN: **This takes place sometime in series 4 as Morgana is still living at the hovel. I really wished Merlin has put more fate into his own instinct instead of being a puppet of fate, destiny and the dragon. Also as much as she wanted to think so Morgana wasn't much different. So yeah, I hope you like my take on this and I'd love to hear what you guys think! Enjoy!

-MM-

_If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless. _

-oo-

The trek was tiresome but at the same time it was necessary. The well-worn path was familiar and she finally let her guard down for a moment. It was not easy, trying to battle against Camelot and their precious prince but she needed to. It was her sisters last wish and goal for so long that she didn't see any other future but the one carved by Morgause.

She will make them pay if it's the last thing she does. Now isn't the time to let her hurt of being cast out on her own bleed through. It was time for a cool head and an even sharper mind. Her magic responded to her emotion and anger was all she felt. It was the kind of anger that created chaos around her and left nothing but an overwhelming sadness in its wake.

Here, entering her hovel, she didn't need to feel all that anguish. Here she could just escape and let her exhaustion take over. As she took the first steps inside, a memory of a feable servant crossed her mind. The one that somehow turned out to be a bigger torn in her side than the prince and his knights. The one with high cheekbones and piercing gaze that promised something she couldn't allow herself to dream about.

The moment she stepped in she noticed something amiss. Her posture rigid and magic dancing at her fingertips she scanned the area. There he stood, leaning on the table as if not a care in the world, playing with one of the jars she had haphazardly left on the table. Before Morgana could attack, he stopped her hand mid motion.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

He still hadn't looked up and it angered and frustrated her that in spite of knowing better she stopped and answered like a scolded kid.

"And why not?"

He still played absently with the jar, regarding its contents with interest. For a reason she couldn't fathom, she felt jealous. Her, jealous? Of a jar? She must be losing her senses.

"Because we wouldn't want you to get hurt Morgana."

She was speechless. The little rat had the audacity to speak to her like an equal. She ought to shove his head to that wall repeatedly until it split apart.

Before he could say another word she let her magic do the talking and released it on the unsuspecting servant, but all he did was wave his hand dismissively in her direction and nothing happened to him.

She tried once more, fearing her spell might have gone wrong but still nothing happened and even as she repeated it a couple of times the result remained the same.

She was holding her hand outstretched, frozen in a small motion, not knowing what it all meant. Merlin was unaffected by her magic. As hard as she tried she couldn't find an explanation for it. That was until he looked up and his eyes still shone the bright gold as she involuntarily took a step back. What was going on?

He slowly straightened up, nowhere in sight was the clumsy servant she had come to know and expect. Instead was the person of unknown abilities and confidence in his power. Someone she should fear, but she didn't. Because she was an idiot and a fool, and maybe also a little relieved when he revealed what was obviously magic to her.

Merlin had magic and from the looks of it he had it all along, judging by the control he presented and the power he wielded.

"You…you have magic Merlin?"

He only took slow steps towards her before stopping few steps short. He was looking at her evenly, no fear or anger, just calm and confident. She didn't know how to deal with this Merlin and as much as she told herself she didn't want to, in her mind, a part of her was curious. Curious and impressed even.

A slight nod on his part, before he studied her like one of his books she used to catch him reading with such fascination that she used to wonder how come he never looked at her like that. But he did, once, in the beginning, before all of this mess, before betrayals on both their parts.

"I am." he answered calmly.

She shook her head, trying to clear her head from the sudden thoughts that seemed to invade her mind and she couldn't stop herself thinking that maybe she had gone deaf because he said something that didn't make any sense at all.

"_You__ are_?"

He only watched her with a slow amused smile appearing on his face and she couldn't help but hate him a little more. Hate the way it lit up his boyish features and made her want things that aren't possible.

"I _am_ magic Morgana. I was born with it."

A shiver ran down her whole body as words registered in her head. _He_ was a warlock. A living, breathing warlock, with magical powers that were probably way beyond anything she could do. Instead of running away or trying to attack him now that he was off guard all she managed to do was think of one thing.

He didn't tell her.

The bastard had it all along and instead of helping her, he let her believe she was alone and made her go down the path her sister created for her. Albeit she knew her sister wasn't thinking clearly but blood wasn't water and she needed to avenge her. Prove to entire Albion that she was someone to be feared and respected, someone to lead and be deserving of a throne unlike Arthur. The prat basically had a birth right to it.

Life wasn't fair and as she looked at Merlin she couldn't help but feel it more than ever. Arthur had him, his loyalty and as much as she wanted to negate it, she couldn't. She wanted it for herself. His loyalty and his magic. Just him.

She didn't see him as a servant anymore. He was an equal, fitting for a queen. No not a queen - her.

"I have had enough."

Before he could finish his sentence a slap resounded through the small hut and it seemed to have caught him by surprise as much as it did her. Because in the next moment she drew her hand to her chest and looked at him like he was the big bad wolf just waiting to destroy everything.

After a moment he turned his head back to her and she didn't let him recover, letting her anger take over. Better that then something she might regret later.

"_You_ have had enough? You have _magic_ Merlin. How could you have hidden it from me when I begged you for guidance?"

The rage was instantaneous and she couldn't control herself. The lashing out was just a product of hurt and helplessness she felt for years.

"When all of it was crumbling down, I needed someone to show me that I wasn't alone. That I was enough, not that it mattered. Because in the end you all abandoned me at the mere sight of what I could do. Where was your loyalty then Merlin?"

She needed to make him suffer, make him question everything he had done. Make him see the remains of what he had destroyed, the shell of a person that now stood before him. She was left with nothing, no place in Camelot, no sister and no one to stand by her side. It was all she could see. The possibilities and what ifs that presented themselves before her eyes were killing her. He didn't need to do it. His words have done enough.

"Never mind that you practically lied to me since the moment we met, but to leave someone you said was your friend in the dark when they needed someone… Tell me Merlin, who does that?"

He only looked at her as the anger took over and she saw the guilt in those eyes but also resolve. It meant she couldn't hold this over his head anymore in hopes things turned her way.

"I have and I am sorry, but was it my fault you turned to evil? You turned and followed your sister blindly, without remorse and tried to kill those who loved you and stood by you all those times before. Better question is how could you Morgana?"

She was taken aback, never did she think he'd have the guts to say what he thought, but here he was his true self. She couldn't be more impressed, but those feelings and thoughts were from another time and she didn't want them ruling her head anymore. So she said the one thing that hurt the most.

"You tried to poison me."

Her eyes stung from unshed tears but she didn't want to appear weak, didn't want to show him the depth of his actions, the wounds she still carried because of it.

In the next moment she was pinned to the wall, his eyes shimmering as bright as the sun, the power and anger just waiting to be unleashed.

"Do you think I wanted to!? But you… you, who followed your sister so blindly, even as she used you and made you the source of the spell that could have cost everyone in Camelot their lives…"

He exhaled and it sent shivers down her spine as he seemed to try to collect what was left of his fragile state. The confidence was gone, nothing but anger and hurt was left. In that they were very much the same.

"Do you think it was easy? Watching the woman I… I have come to call a friend, a confidant. Smart and beautiful… who wanted nothing but to do what was right. Watching her be manipulated by her own flesh and blood."

She couldn't retort, her throat was dry and she was incapable of matching his desperation, his defeat.

"To watch my kind be used as nothing more than an instrument of evil, nothing more than a puppet. Showing that magic could be nothing more than an evil and harmful influence on those who wielded it. Everything I fought for to see ruined before me."

She didn't want to feel sympathy, but she always had a soft spot for Merlin, before all this turned ugly. Now maybe it was time to show him the compassion, or leave him hanging like he did her all that time ago. But still she couldn't let it all go so easily.

"So what, you decide to act from shadows, ruining any progress I may have made just to abide by your master, to see Arthur succeed and his family hold the ban of magic over our heads, the fear and shadows that our people live in."

He was shaking still from his tirade, but her words instilled some newfound knowledge and he responded in such.

"I live with it all Morgana. The failures the condemnation of our people, of _you_. To say I have paid my price would be foolish. I have done what I thought was right. I act from the shadows for now because it's necessary so I can fight for those who can't or just don't have the strength to."

She could see it all in his eyes, the pain and hardships of thousands before him and he carried it all. Maybe he did live with his sins, but was it enough to let go? In the end, she didn't want to grow up to be bitter and resentful, full of hatred like her sister. She lived in Camelot for years and longed from time to time for those simple and now treasured days. Longed for friends and family.

She understood what he meant, what he spoke of for she did most of the damage herself, showing the magic to be evil and futile for anything other than destruction. The question was did she want to get better, be better. Not in some twisted and warped reality her sister dreamt up but her own.

Did she recognize the opportunity that was being presented to her probably for the last time, because she wasn't fooled - if she continued on this path all she would meet was the edge of a blade, probably from Merlin of all people. Come to think if it, it all came down to him and for so long she had thought of him as an enemy - arch enemy. The thorn that just kept on stinging and bleeding her dry, riding her of her sanity and she has had enough. Time to make things happen and not just stand in the crosshairs of what some fates decided. It was time to be her own person and take the future she wanted, and not the one posed on her by some ancient prophecy, by Agravaine or Morgause. It was time to act.

"I have come here to tell you I won't tolerate you attacking and harming anyone in Camelot anymore, but it seems you drew out the worst in me. You always had that effect. The things you make me do."

He shook his head and started to back away, but she grasped his hand and his gaze snapped to hers in surprise. She was as wide eyed as he was - it looked like her body always betrayed her when it came to matters of the heart.

"Maybe this time you can do it better…?"

He looked at her, lost and uncertain. What was she doing, even she wasn't sure what she was talking about. She should just end all of this now before she makes a fool of yourself, but in the end she just couldn't. Morgana has also had enough of the bitterness and the darkness, the loneliness that stung every time she returned to this place. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be.

They both needed to reach their worst before they could get better. The need to lean on someone was overwhelming and she _knew_ that deep down he was also lonely with no one to truly understand him in Camelot.

"Morgana, what…?"

Before he could stutter himself into another bottomless pit of mistakes she decided to take the reins of fate in her hands for once. There was no need for others to influence them. They could come to conclusions on their own.

"This time we will have each other. I can help you Merlin, carry the burden, but I won't let you leave our kind behind. Magic will be recognized and brought to light."

She was searching his face for some sort of objection, but all she saw was attentiveness to her every word, the awe at just being in the presence of the strong, caring Morgana he once knew and she savored it. It felt right, even if it still hurt to think of all they've done to each other.

"You were right - I don't want magic to be the instrument of evil. I want it to be molded into something beautiful and something that people should never fear but embrace and enjoy. Never to fear and be ashamed of what they are. What _we_ are."

She placed her other hand on his cheek, something she had wanted to do since she's met him. He was really someone she always wanted to know and be a part of her life and now was no different. That hasn't changed and from the way he closed his eyes to savor the moment she could tell he felt the same. No need for stating it, they knew and understood.

"We will live in the shadows for a time being Morgana, but there is a prophecy. Arthur will bring peace and magic to the world. That is what you want, isn't it?"

Well as much as she disliked her clueless brother at the moment, she could live with that. She didn't want to be the queen anyways. She just wanted to be free and to not feel so alone. The moment of clarity she had longed for had come as she looked as his eyes and she knew her place in the world. Everything else would be sorted out sooner or later.

She couldn't help the seductive smile that formed on her face. Morgana knew what she wanted and it was time she did something for herself, not her sister or her kind.

"There is something else I want Merlin."

He seemed clueless for a moment before asking as he was able to read it on her face. The happiness and hope that slowly started to burn within them.

"And what is that, my lady?" he asked reminding her of a boy she met all those years ago, that same gleam in his eyes with just a hint of gold now.

Morgana took hold of his neckerchief and pulled him to meet her half way. As their lips met, something happened, shifted and she could literally feel the magic sparkling through her. She stopped to look at him and seeing his eyes shining gold as her own probably were, gave her the answer she needed. She really wasn't the only one. A smile to match her own was on his face as he kissed her with no restraint and she couldn't help but think that the destiny had a fickle way of showing the way. Even if it took so long to catch on, this time she had no problem in indulging her own wishes and neither did he, for better or worse.


End file.
